Every so often, a dead horse is beaten so much online that the only conceivable way it could be beaten any further would be to tunnel to the earth’s core so as to exhume the corpse. That is, if there’s anything left of its ashen remains. One such deceased equine is the infamous finale to Sonic the Hedgehog 2006. Spoilers, I guess, for a game nearly two decades old (the equivalent to this at the time 06 came out would be claiming ‘Mario saves Peach in the original Super Mario Bros.’ is a spoiler): the universe hangs in the balance.
In the (Sonic ’06) beginning
The town of Soleanna has been razed to the ground and warped into a temporal void by Solaris, the unholy fusion of game villains Mephiles and Iblis, who make up Solaris’ brains and brawn respectively. You see, all that has transpired throughout the story has been according to Mephiles’ design, whose final masterstroke was to run Sonic through with a comical laser sword – causing Princess Elise, the hedgehog’s companion and unfortunate beau, to cry. This is a problem, because crying is precisely what unleashes Iblis, as (dun, dun, dun!) he had been sealed inside her all this time. Man, even typing that out feels convoluted. It’s easy to see why 2006‘s plot didn’t especially resonate with people.
Anyway. Sonic’s on the brink of death, and his friends have gathered the Chaos Emeralds in a last ditch effort to save him. All that’s needed now is an act of true love. Shrek and Frozen, eat your heart out. So, you’d expect Amy Rose to step up, no? Sonic’s ever-present stalker and self-proclaimed love interest? Ha! Wrong. Over trots the very human Elise; who kneels down, closes her eyes, and in a moment that would forever alter the course of human history, puckers up for Sonic. Mercilessly, the exact moment of lip-locking is hidden from us by a flash of light, but the ick factor remains much the same.
But we all know this. I know it, you know it, the entire internet at large knows it, having reposted about it ad nauseum for over fifteen years, long past the point it stopped being funny or original. So why do I recount the scene in such detail to you now? Because Takashi Iizuka, current Sonic series head honcho, has gone out of his way to assure fans it won’t be happening again. Per NintendoLife, “during a recent interview with Axios,” Iizuka laid down “a few rules regarding the creation of games featuring SEGA’s mascot, Sonic.” Not, on this occasion, to stifle creativity. But instead to keep gamers’ lunches down.
The kiss of death for the franchise
The first two of these rules “are relatively self explanatory and serve as the official rules: number one, Sonic needs to display a strong sense of speed, and number two, Sonic doesn’t have the ability to swim.” And for all you pedants rushing to your keyboard to contest the canonicity of this, Takashi’s beaten you to it. “Indeed, Iizuka went so far as to point out that Sonic requires the use of a flotation device during swimming events in the likes of Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Games Tokyo 2020.”
But it’s the third rule that’s relevant to our discussion today: “Sonic will no longer be kissing any human characters.” On the matter, Iizuka simply said “I don’t think we’ll be doing that again.” Think? THINK?! I think we might need to demand to see the script for Sonic Frontiers.
Well, there it is, folks. Straight from the (Japanese) horse’s mouth – and this one isn’t dead. Nor beaten, except emotionally. Working on the Sonic franchise for decades will do that to you. Perhaps time for a break soon, eh, Iizuka?
What’s your take on this? Do you feel relief, or, God forbid, disappointment? Let us know!
Via, NintendoLife.
