Review: Secrets of the Witch House [PC]

Developed and published by Demon Zoo Games comes a crazy cacophony of creepy carnage. Venture into the Witch House and blast your way through hordes of evil eldritch entities seeking to secure your sudden death. It’s time to uncover the Secrets of the Witch House.

Shooty go Boom

There isn’t much of a story to Secret of the Witch House. So, I’ll tell you what I came up with: a girl named Vickie heard that there was a secret coffee machine hidden in the Witch House. After she crashed her car, she ran into the house, picking up a flame thrower and burning anything that moved. The Witches of the house didn’t want to share their secret coffee, so they sent zombies, ogres, and gimps to stop Vickie. But powered by a tiki mask, Vickie went into a rage and magically made bullets from thin air to defeat the witches. However, Vickie didn’t see the explosive barrel next to the magic pachinko room. She was killed in the explosion and sent back to the beginning of the House.

The End.

So what are the Secrets of the Witch House?

Let’s get into the overall presentation of Secret of the Witch House. It is a low poly, almost Sega Saturn meets Arcade style of graphics. Everything has this in-your-face aspect that I can’t quite put into words. The environment is destructive for the most part, as well as being procedurally generated. Which is to say that while the layout of the house is the same, the contents and the placement of certain things are random. This includes enemies and explosive barrels, of which there are many.

Movement in Secrets of the Witch House is bad. There is no other way of describing it. Messing with the sensitivity of the mouse seems to always be too much or too little. You’re either hyped up looking at everything at a breakneck speed or moving through molasses. You also have a dodge roll that is more of a hindrance than anything else. It has a slow wind up that affords you no invincibility frames, with a long cool down with no indicator. I’ve literally played Souls-like games with a better dodge function.

Mismanaged, mangled, and unpleasant.

Weaponry is your only hope of survival in Secrets of the Witch House. However, you are on the strictest of budgets when it comes to ammunition. You start with a revolver that has 18 shots. You have to survive on those until you get another gun to swap to. Given the number of enemies you will have to face, this is not going to be easy. You also do not have ammo drops; you have to find new weapons to replace the old ones. And Lord help you if you get an explosive type of weapon, because that will kill you more often than the enemies will. Shoot the enemy and if they are too close, you die in the explosion. Shoot the floor or wall by accident, say goodbye to your run.

The only way to get more ammo, technically, is the rage feature. I call it a feature because when you rage, you have unlimited ammo. The game even berates you by telling you not to waste it when it happens. This is because it happens randomly, typically after you’ve cleared a room out. Other than bullet time and infinite ammo that doesn’t refill your gun, rage does nothing. No damage negation, no enhanced speed, just a jarring red filter and a mask and more bullets. There is no indication when rage will go off, nor how long it lasts.

A collection of unfortunate events.

Now, let’s talk about the pachinko room. At certain points in Secrets of the Witch House, you will find a “safe” room to enter. Let’s go through what’s up with this little train wreck. Typically, it starts on the first floor of the house and can sell weapons. It sells a weapon for about 15000 gems. On a full clear, the most I ever got for a first floor clear was 9000 gems, so this is pointless. There is also a pachinko machine in the corner that has a chance to drop you a rare weapon for only 1000 gems. This is 100% random, good luck there. The merchant has one line that is a reference to Resident Evil, so… Kudos for a reference, I guess.

And there is a vending machine in the corner that can heal you 10 HP for 1000 gems. To top all of this off, the safe room doesn’t keep you safe. Ranged enemies can still shoot at you if they can see you, which has been the end of multiple runs on my end.

Secrets of the Witch House is a mess. I can’t tell if this is trying to be a rage game, a souls-shooter, or trolling for the sake of some laughs. I guess if you want to experience something that looks unique, give it a shot? Personally, it would take an overhaul for me to want to give it another chance.

Secrets of the Witch House is available on Steam.